Yeah, I know it. The ones that seem the most glaring right now are my trust issues. I really don't trust anyone. In my more honest moments, I will even admit that I don't trust God - at least not like I should.
If I really trusted Him, I would never struggle with discontent, worry or impatience. I would recognize that, no matter how frustrating my situation might seem at this very moment, it is a part of His sovereign plan to bring me the very best. I would be confident that, no matter how impossible the situation seems, He is bigger than every obstacle. I would rest.
The last couple months have been one "trust test" after another, and I've failed over and over again. My support level is low, so I dread going to the mailbox and finding another bill that I can't pay. In October, our entire team is required to go to Turkey for a conference. How will I afford a $500 plane ticket? My car will be paid off right around the same time...which means paying all of the registration fees, road taxes, parking taxes, etc. when I put the car in my own name. How much will that cost, and where will it come from?
Being in Romania & facing these things has shown me just how little I really trust - how little I've developed the habit of absolute dependence on God. From the time I was very young, if I needed something, I did something. Thanks to the wonders of the bottle deposit & living across the street from the football field, I could always go scrounge around & collect cans (of course, my "needs" rarely cost more than a dollar to fulfill at that stage of life!). When I got older, I could work longer hours or pick up some outside jobs if I needed more than my paycheck provided. If I encountered an obstacle, I figured out a way around, through, or over it. Now, I'm in a position where - a little late in life - I need to learn absolute dependence. There's nothing I can do to increase my income - I can't pick up another job & working extra hours doesn't increase my salary (actually, the Board just did that - but I have to raise my raise before I actually get it!). All I can do is trust.
When I read the biographies of men like George Mueller, I'm shamed by my lack of faith. He stepped out and did huge things for God, never knowing how those ventures would be provided for. He never publicized his needs, just taking them to God in prayer and trusting in His provision. My prayer is that I will learn to trust as He did, to trust as the apostles did when their lives were threatened if they continued to preach the truth, to trust the Father just as Christ Himself did when He faced the cross saying "Not my will, but Thine be done." There's a life goal.
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